Big Mouthed Annie

I clearly remember the day Annie's pediatrician gave me a warning about how her speech would develop being the youngest of four children. She warned me that typically, youngest children have a rather significant delay in their speech due to the fact that their older siblings generally speak for them and fetch whatever it is they point at. I prepared myself for this delay from that day forward.

What I should have been doing all along, is exercising my right arm to react quicker, speeding up the action of getting my hand over her mouth before some embarrassing comment escaped from her lips. I am convinced that Annie's big mouth will cause my premature death. If not death, serious bodily harm. I'm waiting for the day one of her comments rubs the commentee the wrong way, and I am forced to protect her!

In the last two weeks, Annie has put me in situations which cause me to want to immediately disappear from the scene. To preface all the incidents, I must report one very important detail. Annie's voice could be compared to that of a megaphone. We're still working on the quiet voice concept.

A couple of weeks ago, while sharing a piece of pizza at Costco, Annie noticed a woman sitting across from us with a pink hat on, covering her bald head. Because the woman was doting on Annie, and watching her every move, she was also listening to every word she said. I, on the other hand, was trying to ignore her.

"Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?"
"Hey Annie, look at that little boy over there."
One octave higher, "MOMMY, is that a boy or a girl?"
"Are you enjoying your pizza, Annie?"
"Mommy, I said, IS THAT A BOY OR A GIRL?"

Because I was sure that this woman had been going through chemotherapy and lost all her hair, I was very unaware of how to handle the situation.

Very sweetly, the woman removed her pink hat and answered Annie's question. "I'm a girl and I'm bald." Although I was completely ignorant on how to handle the situation, the woman and I were able to talk, which is what I think she was looking for. Situation number one-mortifying.

Situation number two-mortifying times 2.

While standing in line to check out books at the library this morning, I noticed a little person enter the building. Unfortunately, not before Annie noticed that same person walk in. Being that I hadn't practiced that hand to Annie's mouth quick exercise her words gushed out, stating the obvious.

"Mommy, he's really little."
"Annie, look at that dog reading books."
"Mommy, look at that man. He's little."
"Annie, go over and look at that book with animals on it."
"Did you see that little man, Mommy?" And then, putting it to music, "Little Man, Little Man, Little Man," all in perfect harmony!

I couldn't even move my eyes from the transaction taking place for fear that my eyes would meet Annie's commentee. For all I cared at this minute, Annie could have been outside the library, playing alone in the street nearby playground. Cute as she was while singing her newly composed tune, I wanted to hurt muzzle her for embarrassing me so deeply!

And as if that wasn't enough... What was I thinking for taking Miss State-the-Obvious inside Taco Bell, rather than simply driving through? She continued in her quest to have me killed embarrass me. Situation number three- just as bad!

While sitting like a big girl at the table, nibbling on her cheese quesadilla minus jalapeno sauce, she surveyed every Taco Bell patron that entered the door. As if she was trying to break every rule of being politically correct, her next commentee was an extremely feminine gay man that walked in with his friend. Because of Annie's track record these past couple of weeks, I sank lower in my chair when I realized they had chosen a table within ear's hearing range of ours. I should have thought quicker and whisked my Little Sweetheart out of that dining room before she could cause any more damage, but I was too busy eating my Grilled Stuft Burrito. If I were smart enough, I would have saved a large portion of that same burrito to stuff in Annie's mouth when her next insult came flying out.

In a disgusted tone, "Mommy, he's wearing girl shoes."

Because my attempts to divert the previous conversations had failed miserably, leaving me more embarrassed than if I had wet myself in public, I decided I'd better start to defend these commentee's before I ended up knocked out on the floor of the local Taco Bell.

"No Annie, those are not girl's shoes. They are boy's shoes."

And because Annie would argue about the fact that the sky is blue, she replied, "No Mommy, they are girl's shoes because they are white and boy's don't wear white shoes!"

"Annie. They-are-low-top-converse-shoes-and-they-are-boy's-shoes-end-of-story!"

Point taken, but she was not going to be defeated. "Then he should have blue shoes on because he is wearing a blue shirt!"

Rather than stuffing the rest of my burrito in that little mouth, I decided it was time to return safely home. Right after she put the grocery clerk at Von's in her rightful place.

"Well, hello Little Princess!"

"I'm NOT a princess! I'm Annie."