Awkward Astonishment

For the second time in two days, my four children were completely speechless because they were intrigued by something new. Yesterday it was the Target 2007 Toy Catalogue, today, it was me, in a compromising position!

To be as modest as is possible, as to share the humor without the details, I had to go to the lab today for a urine test. NO...I AM NOT PREGNANT! It's an easy enough task, solo, but I had four kids in tow.

Before exiting the car, I had the talk, with the kids about the proper behavior in a public place.

"Sit on your bottoms in the chairs."
"Don't put your hands in your mouth, the place is probably dirty."
"Use your quiet voices."

Yada yada yada. They even added a few of the rules that I had forgotten.

Task one, complete. We made it safely from the car to the lab without any excitement. They properly took a seat after deciding on the right chair and soon realized that they had a captivated audience around them. It didn't take long for them to begin making friends, becoming sillier by the minute.

Thankfully, it didn't take long for me to get my "urine specimen paraphernalia", and we quickly retreated to the privacy of...the public bathroom, after taking a wrong turn into the blood collection area. The stress of dragging along four kids to a lab collection site, along with the embarrassment of walking through the crowd with my obvious green-lidded specimen cup, caused temporary confusion. I'm sure it went through a few of the waiting womens' minds, "For that poor girls sake, I hope she's not here for a pregnancy test!"

Although all eyes were off of us behind the closed door, I know that every syllable we spoke was heard on the outside. The bathroom was only steps away from the hushed waiting room. And I don't doubt that every person outside was waiting to hear the commotion of a mom of four trying to catch pee while eight eyes watched! I would have been just as entertained if I were on the other side!

But what those waiting patients on the outside couldn't see, was the complete attention I had of all four of my kids. One would have thought that they were waiting to see Haley's Comet fly through the air. Or that they were trying to get a glimpse of Santa as he came down the chimney. It worked for me, because I could focus on what I needed to do without having to rattle off the typical bathroom warnings that I'm usually forced to.

"Don't touch that, it's disgusting!"
"Keep your hands out of your mouth! Are you trying to get the plague?"
"Please don't sit on the floor. How gross!"
"Don't you dare open that door while I'm sitting on the potty!"
"For crying out loud, would you just stand still!"

Their astonishment of my compromising position, paid off this time. For about 45 seconds, it was as if I had turned their power switch to the off position. At second 46, however, the power switch turned back to the on position, and they shot questions at me like a rapid firing machine gun.

"Are you going to have to drink that? Why is it in a cup?"
"Mom, what color is your bladder?"
"Are all the people in here going to pee in a cup?"

I was imagining the outsiders getting a great kick out of this potty conversation. While washing my hands, I gave myself a quick pep-talk and forced myself to open that door that led me into the room full of ears that were surely listening. This fact was confirmed by the grins and giggles I got as we made our way to the basket where I had to leave my cup. Although it was a mere 25 steps, it felt like 25 miles.

I made my deposit, answered the typical questions about 5 times, "Are they all yours? Are any of them twins or triplets?" and whisked my brood out of that lab as if it was about to blow. I felt a great sense of relief, and even laughed at the potty questions that continued as we made our way down the long corridor, back to the privacy of our car.